I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my phone needs a breathalizer
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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