i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I fill condoms, not promises.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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