remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
