I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
