Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
