I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
So. Much. Porn.
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