yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
