My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
