We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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