i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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