If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
