WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
