how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
