Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize