so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
