Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
