I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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