I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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