does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
