A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
