Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
