I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
