btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
