addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
this boner is exhausting
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
