highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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