And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
