He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize