i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
