Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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