Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
