I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
