Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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