He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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