I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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