I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
