There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
