i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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