It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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