dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
