So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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