i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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