Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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