I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
