She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
