Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Vodka?
Forever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
