You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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