even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
