omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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