so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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