Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
