dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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