remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
