Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
