Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
