just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
