Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
