I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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