Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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