Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
