You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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