Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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