So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
