I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize